Chapter 900

This is compliments of pig41

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water.

It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that it was a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie. BUT this was no ordinary Genie.

This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

‘Vell kid, ‘ said the genie, ‘you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.’ ‘I’m not going to trust you, ‘ says the Arab.

‘I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!’ ‘Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you’re a goner anyvay!’ The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that the genie was right.

‘Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.’ ****** P O O F!********

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

‘Okee-dokee kiddo, vat’s your second vish?’ ‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.’ ****** P O O F!******** The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

‘Okay kid, you got just vone more vish.

Best you should make it a good vone!’ After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says,

‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!’ ****** P O O F!******** He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you’re an Arab doing business with a Jew, there’s bound to be a string attached.

This one is compliments of J & B:

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is ... I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.”

“Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

This again is compliments of Smokey Joe

And who said this wasn’t an educational form???????????

This is the last of your new Auzzie Education.

S Salute, Aussie : brushing flies away

Salvos, the : Salvation Army, bless them

Sandgroper : a person from Western Australia

Sanger : a sandwich

Sav : saveloy (see also “fair suck of the sav!”)

Schooner : large beer glass in Queensland; medium beer glass in South Australia

Scratchy : instant lottery ticket

Screamer : party lover; “two pot screamer” - somebody who gets drunk on very little alcohol

Seppo (Septic tank, rhyming slang): an American

Servo : petrol station

Shag on a rock, stands out like a : very obvious

Shark biscuit : somebody new to surfing

She’ll be right : it’ll turn out okay

Sheepshagger : A New Zealander

Sheila : a woman

Shit house (adj.) : of poor quality, unenjoyable (“this car is shit house”, “the movie was shit house”)

Shit house (noun) : toilet, lavatory

Shonky : dubious, underhanded. E.g. a shonky practice, shonky business etc.

Shoot through : to leave

Shout : turn to buy - a round of drinks usually (“it’s your shout, yer bastard”)

Show pony : someone who tries hard, by his dress or behaviour, to impress those around him.

Sickie : day off sick from work (chuck a sickie = take the day off sick from work when you’re perfectly healthy!)

Six pack : 6 stubbies (see stubbie)of beer in a plastic wrap

Skite : boast, brag

Skull/Skol (a beer) : to drink a beer in a single draught without taking a breath

Slab : a carton of 24 bottles or cans of beer

Sleepout : house verandah converted to a bedroom

Smoko : smoke or coffee break

Snag : a sausage

Sook : person or animal who is soft, tame, inoffensive. Hence sooky (adj.)

Spag bol : spaghetti bolognese

Spewin’ : very angry

Spiffy, pretty spiffy : great, excellent

Spit the dummy : get very upset at something