Chapter 899

This one is compliments of Pepere:

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” “He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?” “I’m a Lady of the Night,” she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.” “The woman says, “Ok, I’m a high-end call girl.” “No, that still won’t work. Try again.” “They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?” “Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.” The accountant says, “Chicken Farmer it is!”

This one is compliments of Pepere

The haircut, (Priceless)

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Love the Dad’s reply! “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?

More from Smokey Joe:

Where else in the world could you learns urself some Aussie??????????????????????????????? Lern yerself Aussie Part 3

Maccas (pron. “mackers”) : McDonald’s (the hamburger place)

Mallee bull, as fit as a : very fit and strong.

The Mallee is very arid beef country in Victoria/South Australia.

Manchester : Household linen, eg sheets etc.

Mappa Tassie : map of Tasmania - a woman’s pubic area

Mate : buddy, friend

Mate’s rate, mate’s discount : cheaper than usual for a “friend”

Matilda : swagman’s bedding, sleeping roll

Metho : methylated spirits

Mexican : a person from south of the Queensland or New South Wales border

Mickey Mouse : excellent, very good. Beware though - in some parts of Australia it means inconsequential, frivolous or not very good!

Middy : 285 ml beer glass in New South Wales

Milk bar : corner shop that sells takeaway food

Milko : milkman

Mob : group of people, not necessarily troublesome

Mob : family or herd (?) of kangaroos

Mongrel : despicable person

Moolah : money

Mozzie : mosquito

Muddy : mud crab (a great delicacy)

Mug : friendly insult (“have a go, yer mug”), gullible person

Mull : grass (the kind you smoke)

Muster : round up sheep or cattle

Mystery bag : a sausage

N Nasho : National Service (compulsory military service)

Naughty, have a : have sex

Never Never : the Outback, centre of Australia

Nipper : young surf lifesaver

No drama : same as ‘no worries’

No worries! : Expression of forgiveness or reassurance (No problem; forget about it; I can do it; Yes, I’ll do it)

No-hoper : somebody who’ll never do well

Not the full quid : not bright intellectually

Nuddy, in the : naked

Nun’s nasty, as dry as a : dry

Nut out : hammer out or work out (an agreement, say)