Chapter 896

This is compliments of Joe S.

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’ asked John.

‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

‘Son,’ said John, ‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.’

‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’ said Tommy.

‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.

‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’

‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’ The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!’ With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

These are compliments of Smokey Joe:

One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other.

Drew their swords and shot each other.

One was blind and the other couldn’t see.

So they chose a dummy for a referee.

A blind man went to see fair play

A dumb man went to shout “hooray!”

A paralyzed donkey passing by

Kicked the blind man in the eye.

Knocked him through a nine inch wall.

Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

A deaf policeman heard the noise.

And came to arrest the two dead men.

If you don’t believe this story’s true,

Ask the blind man he saw it too!

Ladies and gentlemen, uncles and aunts,

Cockeyed mosquitoes and bow-legged ants.

I come here before you to stand behind you’

And tell you something I know nothing about.

Next Wednesday, which is Good Friday,

There’s a ladies’ meeting for men only.

No admission, pay at the door,

Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Now, for any of you heading Down Under to Oz, here’s Part 1 of ‘Teach yourself Aussie Speak’. A Ace! : Excellent! Very good!

Aerial pingpong : Australian Rules football

Amber fluid : beer

Ambo : ambulance, ambulance driver

Ankle biter : small child

Apples, she’ll be : It’ll be all right Arvo : afternoon

Aussie (pron. Ozzie) : Australian

Aussie salute : brushing away flies with the hand

Avos : avocados

B B & S : Bachelors’ and Spinsters’ Ball - a very enjoyable party usually held in rural areas

Back of Bourke : a very long way away

Bail (somebody) up : to corner somebody physically

Bail out : depart, usually angrily

Banana bender : a person from Queensland

Barbie : barbecue (noun)

Barrack : to cheer on (football team etc.)

Bastard : term of endearment

Bathers : swimming costume

Battler : someone working hard and only just making a living

Beaut, beauty : great, fantastic

Big Smoke : a big city, especially Sydney or Melbourne

Big-note oneself : brag, boast

Bikkie : biscuit (also “it cost big bikkies” - it was expensive)

Billabong : an oxbow lake cut off by a change in the watercourse. Billabongs are usually formed when the course of a creek or river changes, leaving the former branch with a dead end.

Billy : teapot. Container for boiling water. Usually on a fire in the bush. Bingle : motor vehicle accident

Bities : biting insects

Bitzer : mongrel dog (bits of this and bits of that)

Bizzo : business (“mind your own bizzo”)

Black Stump, beyond the : a long way away, the back of nowhere

Bloke : man, guy

Bloody : very (bloody hard yakka)

Bloody oath! : that’s certainly true

Blow in the bag : have a breathalyser test

Blowie : blow fly

Bludger : lazy person, layabout, somebody who always relies on other people to do things or lend him things

Blue : fight (“he was having a blue with his wife”)

Blue, make a : make a mistake

Bluey : pack, equipment, traffic ticket, redhead

Bluey : blue cattle dog (named after its subtle markings) which is an excellent working dog. Everyone’s favourite all-Aussie dog.

Bluey : heavy wool or felt jacket worn by mining and construction workers.

Bluey : bluebottle jellyfish

Bodgy : of inferior quality

Bog in : commence eating, to attack food with enthusiasm

Bog standard : basic, unadorned, without accessories (a bog standard car, telephone etc.)

Bogan : person who takes little pride in his appearance, spends his days slacking and drinking beer

Bogged : Stuck in mud, deep sand (a vehicle).

Boil-over : an unexpected (sporting) result Bondi cigar : see “brown-eyed mullet”

Bonzer : great, ripper

Boogie board : a hybrid, half-sized surf board

Boomer : a large male kangaroo

Booze bus : police vehicle used for catching drunk drivers Boozer : a pub

Bored shitless : very bored

Bottle shop : liquor shop

Bottle-o : liquor shop (originally a man with hessian bags going around picking up beer bottles in the 50’s and 60’s)

Bottler : something excellent

Bottling, his blood’s worth : he’s an excellent, helpful bloke.

Bounce : a bully

Bourke Street, he doesn’t know Christmas from : he’s a bit slow in the head. (Bourke Street is a brightly lit Melbourne street)