Chapter 883

A GREAT HUNT Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the shit outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Getting’ old is so much fun ... Remember: Don’t make old people mad! We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

These are compliments of Pat W

Wayyyyy back at the dawn of T.V. A man walked into an agent’s office for an audition, as he had a strong desire to be an actor.

He acted, he sang, he danced, he told jokes, and did pratfalls, after which the agent said.

“You’ve got a lot of talent. Whats your name?”

“Penis Van Lesbian, Sir.”

“Excuse me? What did you say?”

“Penis Van Lesbian”

“You CAN’T have a name like THAT in show business.” The agent replied.

“Penis Van Lesbian is a long respected name where I come from, and I will NOT change it!” As he stormed out the door in a huff.

The agent soon forgot the would be actor and went on about his business. 20 years later, he recieved an envelope in the mail, containing $10,000 and a note...

The note said,

“Dear Sir,

A long time ago you gave me some advice, and to my shame I walked out on you. I soon learned that you were right, and I changed my name and actually became fairly successful.

I regret not taking your advice when offered. Since it worked well enough, I have enclosed what I believe would have been your commission.

Sincerely,

Wait for it...

Dick Van Dyke

Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven.”

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, “I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her.” So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, “I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her.” He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, “I cheated on my wife a lot.” He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates.”

Phone Operator: “G’day mate ... Helpline here ... What’s the problem?”

Customer: “I’m in the Outback with the girlfriend and she’s been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!”

Australian Telephone Operator: “Bummer!”

Customer: “Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”

These are compliments of Gary H.

Disturbing Beer News.

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn’t drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would go off. Each time the lights went out the place would erupt into wild cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, “may i please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “sure, but i should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “well, in that case i’ll just have to look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “sir, i don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because i went to the restroom?” “well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “would you like a drink?” “but, i still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “you see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. So how about that drink?”

Still looking for more New Jokes ... Got one???? Send it today

Jack