Chapter 877

Thought you would enjoy seeing comments relating to United after the doc. was rejected from his flight:

New United Airlines Mottos:

“Drag and Drop”

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”

Some random thoughts...

Did you know that there are more airplanes in the ocean, than submarines in the sky? Do not touch must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

Arguing with a woman just like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click I agree.

People say love is the best feeling. I think finding a toilet when you are having to diarrhea is better.

The moment when your steak is on the grill, and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do you think vegans feel the same when mowing the lawn?

A fortune teller tells a woman “your husband will meet a violent end”. To which the woman replies “Will I be convicted?”

Sometimes getting out of bed just ruins the whole day.

Don’t wear headphone while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

It’s okay if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

How’s your day if it’s good you’ll need wine to celebrate! If it’s bad you’ll need wine to feel better!

Never walk a mile in my shoes. You will just end up drunk, lost and looking for your shoes.

If a woman says do what you want. Do not do what want, standstill. Do not blink. Don’t even agree. Just play dead.

Yes officer, I didn’t see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you!

This group is compliments of Alan B.

Still more hand-picked lousy humor...

Why is a woman like a condom? Because both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

My girlfriend’s dad asked me what I do. Apparently “Your daughter” wasn’t the right answer.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today, Jimmy” Jimmy replied, crying, “Because I heard my dad tell my mom ‘I’m going to eat that pussy when Jimmy goes to school today’”

“Babe, is it in?” “Yeah” Does it hurt?” “Yes” “Let me put it in slowly” “It still hurts” “Okay, let’s try another shoe size.”

I asked a Chinese girl for her phone number, She said “Sex sex sex! Free sex tonight.” I said, “Wow” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629”

A husband came home with a half gallon of ice cream. He asked his wife if she wanted some. “How hard is it?” she asked. “About as hard as my dick” He replied. “OK”. The woman replied. “Then pour me some.”

A patient asks, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?’
“Yes”, says the doctor, “But only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it...

My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records, ... until the librarian kicked me out.

Dad, what happens if a condom tears? Look at yourself, son.

What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone. A bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

Why is sex like math?
You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray that there’s no multiplying.

A man gets on a plane with six kids. After they all get settled in, a woman leans across the aisle and asks him,
“Are all these yours?”
“No”, he replies.
“I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints”.

3 people having sex is a threesome.
2 people having sex is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you handsome, don’t take it as a compliment.

What is 69 + 69?
Dinner for four.

Before you have sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you get dressed by yourself.
MORAL: In life, nobody helps you once you’re fucked.

Warning sign: “Caution, the consumption of alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy”