Chapter 876

Racial Profiling

I was standing at the bar of Terminal C at Toronto Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says “No, I don’t. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”

“No”, I said, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little prick.”

This is compliments of J & B

Hell Explained

This genius is probably building something in his garage that will change the world as we know it. Read on.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. (?)

The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, ‘ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’ ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

This is compliments of tutaenuit

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman it’s considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she’s crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Mental patient escapes asylum through laundry, rapes 2 laundry workers on way out. Headlines in morning paper reads ... Nut screws washers and bolts.

I said to my wife. I want you to say something to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time. She said, your penis is bigger than your brother’s.