Chapter 875

Some interesting thoughts from Smokey Joe: Now for some explanations of various tools found in your garage and their not so normal uses:-

HAMMER - Originally used as a weapon of war, the hammer of today is built with all the attributes of a divining rod and a cruise missile with it’s unerring accuracy in locating expensive parts that are within range of what one is trying to wollop it with and totally annihilating them.

STANLEY KNIFE - Often used to open cardboard boxes and hard to open those plastic bubble wrapped components. The amount of damage caused is directly proportional to the cost of the part. It is especially good when opening containers containing Tonneau Covers and Convertible Roof Tops. Can also be used to perform do it your-self Appendectomies, Hysterectomies, Amputations and Castrations with equal ease.

PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to round off Phillip head screw slots, is also useful in opening old style oil cans splashing all and sundry in the process. Has the unerring ability to punch a neat round hole in the cars radiator whilst attempting to remove ones front grill.

FLAT BLADE SCREWDRIVER - Has all the attributes of the above, except punches jagged holes instead. In it’s larger 16” x 1/2” size is very useful as an engine mount pry bar, and engine to gearbox splitter and a cylinder head reefer offerer.

INSPECTION LIGHT - The home mechanic’s own tanning light, otherwise known as a Drop Light, it’s a good source of Vitamin D, sometimes known as the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under cars at 2.00am. Health benefits aside, it’s main purpose seems to be to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate as the cannon shells that were used during the first few hours of of the Battle of El Alamain at the start of the Western Offensive in WWII. More often dark than light, it’s name is somewhat misleading.

SPANNERS - Usually found hiding in sheer terror at the rear of the garage, (where they were thrown after the last attempted maintenance debacle). They come in all shapes and sizes except for the one that fits that almost impossible bolt down the back of the engine. They are then usually returned from whence they came, often violently.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A very handy piece of equipment who’s sole usage seems to be in the transference of battery acid from ones car battery to ones toolbox via the paintwork on the front guard of the car, with detrimental effect to both. That’s after it telling you that said battery is as flat as the neighbor’s cat that you ran over last week.

ADJUSTABLE SHIFTING SPANNER - As the name implies, it has an ADJUSTING jaw which allows various sizes of ones nuts to be loosened or tightened. But it is really a misnomer, as the jaw has a habit of moving of it’s own accord, usually at the most critical time, causing ones knuckles to strike sharp solid objects that are nearby with tremendous force, SHIFTING large quantities of skin. This in turn improves ones neighbor’s knowledge of the common or basic not normally found in the Oxford English Dictionary.

LARGE STEEL CHISEL - A generally useful tool which has the ability, with the aid of a large HAMMER, (see above for explanation of HAMMER), to remove stubborn bolts, nuts and severely crumpled body panels. Has a tendency to work on the ‘When I nod my head, hit it’ principle, but it’s usually the thumb that is in the way. The end result being in finding one’s ability to perform an fair imitation of a Comanche War Dance, further improving one’s neighbor’s vocabulary and the seek and find mission for the CHISEL usually three gardens away.