Chapter 872

These are compliments of J & B

United is going to take a beating over this one, no pun intended.

New slogans for United Airlines

• We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.

• Our prices can’t be beaten ... but our passengers can.

• We put the hospital in hospitality.

• We beat our passengers, not the competition.

• We have an offer you can’t refuse. No, really.

• Board as a doctor, leave as a patient.

• Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.

• And you thought legroom was an issue.

• Proudly offering Admiral’s Club, Captain’s Club, and Fight Club.

• If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet.

• Good news: We’re serving free meals again. Bad news: It’s a knuckle sandwich.

• We treat you like we treat your luggage.

• Fight or flight.

• You may have patients, but we don’t have patience.

• We have red-eye and black-eye flights available.

• We’ll even hit a guy with glasses.

• Now serving free punch.

Wisdom of Wine

Every time I see the dirty word exercise I have to wash my mouth out with wine and chocolate.

A pessimist says “my glass is half empty”. a optimist says “my glass is half full”. A realist says “my glass needs a refill.”

“Warning” the consumption of wine might cause you to think you could sing.

As the wife guzzled my bottle of wine, the husband says “I’m not sure that’s what they mean by now we reduce the wine.”

Wine is now cheaper than gas drink don’t drive.

A meal without wine is called breakfast.

Wine improves with each year. The older I get the better I like it.

People say that drinking milk makes you stronger. Drink five glasses of milk and try to move a wall. Can’t? Now drink five glasses of wine. The wall moves by itself.

The secret of enjoying a good wine:

1. open the bottle to allow it to breath.

2. If it does not look like its breathing give it mouth to mouth.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I tried cooking supper with wine tonight. It didn’t go so well ... After five glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

More deep thoughts from J & B

I put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

I wonder why we are so obsessed with trying to find intelligent life on other planets, when we can’t even find intelligent life here.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not the job you have”. Now I’m sitting in the disciplinary meeting dressed as batman.

If your cup is only half-full, you probably need a different bra.

Got a birthday card from the funeral home ... I am not impressed; they only want me for my body.

Some things are better left unsaid which I generally realize right after I said them.

I don’t know what’s longer, a microwave minute or treadmill minute.

Why don’t I have any tattoos? For the same reason you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrarri.

I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.