Chapter 870

This group is compliments of J & B

Thoughts for the day

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that’s where shifty ideas come from!!

Nurse to patient. I am sorry, Mr. Jones, but your HMO does not pay for enemas. I’m going to have to slap the shit out of you.

One old lady to another: I went to my HMO Dr. today.

Other lady:

I think our doctor is an HMO, but Frank thinks he’s straight.

The seven dwarves of menopause: bitchy, itchy, sweaty, sleepy, bloated, forgetful and psycho.

Why we love children!!

A kindergarten told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked.

Because I just pissed in its ear and it didn’t move, answered the child innocently.

“You did what?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “ you know,” explained the boy “I leaned over and went pssst into its ear and it didn’t move.”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, how do you expect to get into heaven? He thought it over and said “well I will run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door, until St. Peter says, come in or stay out!

It was that time during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said “that is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip on microphone “yes and my mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read “and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said the sky is falling!” The teacher then asked the class,” and what you think that the farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said” I think he said holy shit a talking chicken.”

The teacher was unable to teach the next 10 minutes.

This one is compliments of Pepere

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home, but he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

No one would rent a home to him when he said that he had 12 children, because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie since we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: “How many children do you have?

He answered: “Twelve.”

The agent asked, “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered: “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words ... and don’t forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.