Chapter 854

This compliments of J & B...

when jokes were clean, many years ago. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin... ‘ - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

****

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ - Eleanor Roosevelt

****

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement... - Mark Twain

****

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

****

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

****

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

****

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

****

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

****

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

****

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

****

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

****

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

****

Money can’t buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

****

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

****

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

****

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... - W. C. Fields

****

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

****

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

****

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... - Phyllis Diller

****

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

****

And the cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.