Chapter 853

These are compliments of Allan B.

In wine there is wisdom.
In beer there is freedom.
In water there are bacteria.
It’s your call...

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer, and so on. By the time the seventh one orders, the barkeep pours two glasses of beer and says, “You guys ought to know your limits”.

Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought “That’s a little condescending”.

I don’t like making plans for the day, because then, the word ‘premeditated’ gets thrown around the courtroom...

I’ve got to stop saying, “How stupid can you be?”
Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

The Baron of Strathtyne had a prize peacock which was coveted by the Earl of Rutland. Unfortunately the peacock was infested with intestinal worms. After consulting his vet, the baron went to a pharmacy to get some anthelmintics (anti-worm drugs). The earl took the opportunity to try to steal the peacock. The peacock wasn’t having any of that, and after tripping the earl, pecked him half to death. When the baron returned, he saw what happened, tied up the earl (after moving the peacock away) and had him arrested.

The moral of this sad tale is: The wormy bird catches the Earl.

No animals were harmed during the testing of this product.
However, when the testing was completed, all rabbits were converted into rabbit stew.

Study (v): The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.

A man walked into a bar and said to the barman, “Give me a triple Scotch. I’ve just had twins.”

“Mazal tov”, says the barman, “Your wife must be very excited.”

“She will be when she finds out,” he replies.

If Lady Gaga were to go on tour with the Goo Goo Dolls, you’d have GooGooGaga...

Hey we didn’t say they were perfect did we Allan!