Chapter 84

These are compliments of dennis

Ladies Hints

Ladies: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Woman: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman: Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Woman: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip...

Ladies: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman: What leftover wine??

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,

"Damn ... that was fun!"

You know you're living in 2014 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends ... you know you want to

A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun.

The clerk, seeing that the customer was obviously very wealthy showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $20,000.

The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."

Then the clerk brings out an excellent English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.

The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy."

The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester mass production model. Only $129.95.

The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it is an informal wedding."