Chapter 835

These are compliments of a number of readers who forwarded them to me Via G-Mail

Wayyyyy back at the dawn of T.V. A man walked into an agent’s office for an audition, as he had a strong desire to be an actor.

He acted, he sang, he danced, he told jokes, and did pratfalls, after which the agent said.

“You’ve got a lot of talent. Whats your name?”

“Penis Van Lesbian, Sir.”

“Excuse me? What did you say?”

“Penis Van Lesbian”

“You CAN’T have a name like THAT in show business.” The agent replied.

“Penis Van Lesbian is a long respected name where I come from, and I will NOT change it!” As he stormed out the door in a huff.

The agent soon forgot the would be actor and went on about his business. 20 years later, he recieved an envelope in the mail, containing $10,000 and a note...

The note said,

“Dear Sir,

A long time ago you gave me some advice, and to my shame I walked out on you. I soon learned that you were right, and I changed my name and actually became fairly successful.

I regret not taking your advice when offered. Since it worked well enough, I have enclosed what I believe would have been your commission.

Sincerely,

Wait for it...

Dick Van Dyke

Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven.”

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, “I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her.” So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, “I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her.” He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, “I cheated on my wife a lot.” He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates.”

Phone Operator: “G’day mate ... Helpline here ... What’s the

problem?”

Customer: “I’m in the Outback with the girlfriend and she’s been stung

on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!”

Australian Telephone Operator: “Bummer!”

Customer: “Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran

into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her

lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or

mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’ ‘That’s easy; he’s a midget with a speech impediment.’ ... So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. ‘A female horth.’ So he shows him a prized filly. ‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth’? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. ‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth’? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. ‘Nith earzth, can I see her mouf’? The rancher is getting pretty tick ed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. ‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat’? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. ‘Perhapth I thould refwrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit’?

Compliments of Rick M Here’s a question from the new driver’s license test...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ‘drop off’ - (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on) and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

“The ignorant can be educated. The crazy can be medicated. But there is little you can do for the stupid.” – Phil Gorman