Chapter 829

These are compliments of Smoky Joe

Family Problem???

Two men, one Australian and an Irish were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Irish man said to the Australian, ‘You know, my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.’ We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love ... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.’

The Australian said, talking about love marriages ... I’ll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. ‘After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son.

Now my father’s son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson ... And you say you have family problems...

The Irishman fainted...

What’s the definition of a Elephant?

A Mouse built to Government Specifications.

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn’t come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.” The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans and says, “If this doesn’t work then nothing will.”

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, “Well, did it work?”

The messenger boy says, “Big fart, no chief!”

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you sir?’, he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm ... let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light, ‘ he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already SHIT my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

This one is compliments of J & B

Where Are Trumps Tax Returns?

During a recent Trump campaign stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, “Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?”

The Donald politely responded, “I’ve found a very secure place that I’m certain they won’t be found.”

The insistent heckler, then shouted, “And just where is that?”

The Donald smiled and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

“What’s your next question?”