Chapter 826

Just for the retired folks...

Ray the Chicken

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’ Ray was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’ Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ‘Not bad, ‘ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating, ‘ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

‘Never, ‘ said Ray.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen, ‘ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’ He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

“Ray... , Ray... , wake up! You just shit the bed!”

Getting OLD just ain’t what they said it would be!

A few thoughts...

Nothing makes me feel so old as having to scroll down to find my year of birth.

Just once I would like to read a medication label that says: “warning may cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles and increase energy.”

Say what you will about the South, but no one retires and moves up north.

When I get old I’m not going to sit around all-day. I’m going to be clicking my life alert on to see how many hot fire fighters show up!

The sad part about getting old is ... you stay young on the inside, but nobody can tell anymore

I don’t need a personal trainer so much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy foods out of my hand.

My body is experiencing technical difficulties right now.

I think people my age are much older than me.

I think more about running away now than I did as a kid. But by the time I put my teeth in my, glasses on and find my keys I forget where I’m going.

Awkward moment when you sing a song you used to sing a lot as a kid ... and suddenly you understand the lyrics

I’m not old or just need some WD-40.

It’s not my fault I have a double chin. When God was giving out chins, I thought he said GIN so I said l’ll have a double.

Why is one the one who snores the loudest, is always the first to fall asleep?

Don’t be afraid of being older, you’ll still do stupid things only slower.