Chapter 824

This group is compliments of Allan B.

A drunk man who smelled like a barrel of beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.” The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Doctor: “I have some good news for you, Mrs. Brown.
Patient: “It’s Miss Brown.”
Doctor: “In that case, I have some bad news for you”

One day, while she is shopping in the supermarket, Betty begins to feel very horny. When she has paid, a good-looking high school boy offers to carry her groceries to her car. Betty gladly accepts, and as they are walking across the parking lot, she sidles up to him and whispers sexily in his ear, “I have an itchy pussy!”

“Well, Ma’am,” replies the boy, “you will have to point it out. All those Japanese cars look alike to me!”

Three women -- Betty Boobs, Lucy Legs, and Nellie Knickers -- meet at an old high-school reunion. They soon start gossiping about the men they have married, and what they are like in bed.

“My husband, Bob,” says Betty Boobs, “is like a 1989 Rolls Royce -- comfortable, sizeable, powerful, and very satisfying!”

“My husband, Larry,” says Lucy Legs, “is like a 1970 Cadillac -- still fairly comfortable and satisfying, but lacks performance sometimes. Generally, quite a good ride.”

“Hmm, my husband, Norbert,” says Nellie Knickers, “is like a vintage Model-T Ford.

“Really?” say the other two, staring at Nellie in amazement. “Why do you say that?”

“Well,” continues Nellie, “what I mean is -- he manages to rally twice a year, but he has to be started by hand!”

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple’s house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen. The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, “Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I’d highly recommend.” The other man says, “What’s the name of the restaurant?” The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, “Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?” His friend replies, “A carnation?” “No, no. The other one,” the man says. His friend suggests, “The poppy?” “No, no, no,” growls the man. “You know--the one that is red and has thorns.” His friend says, “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes! Thank you,” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”