Chapter 819

Thank Smokey Joe for these...

Confucius Say:A Penis is the only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
Confucius Say:A relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love.
Confucius Say:The inventor of shag carpet made a big pile.
Confucius Say:Some Sex Is Good ... More Is Better ... Too Much Is Just About Right
Confucius Say:A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Confucius Say:The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.
Confucius Say:A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.
Confucius Say:A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed.
Confucius Say:An Optimist is a girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
Confucius Say:A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
Confucius Say:A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.
Confucius Say:Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea how she’ll be in bed.
Confucius Say:Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.
Confucius Say:It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say:To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it
Confucius Say:Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.
Confucius Say:Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.
Confucius Say:Mother’s Day comes nine months after father’s day.
Confucius Say:A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Confucius Say:It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you’re done.
Confucius Say:Killing two birds with one stone often ends with hate mail from the humane society.
Confucius Say:The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.
Confucius Say:To make a long story short, don’t tell it.
Confucius Say:Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
Confucius Say:A giraffe’s family reunion is called “necks of kin.”
Confucius Say:A man is only as faithful as his options.
Confucius Say:A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Confucius Say:Never argue with a fool ... he may be doing the same thing.
Confucius Say:The best way to keep your word is not to give it.
Confucius Say:A man’s last will and testament is a dead give-away.
Confucius Say:When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Confucius Say:Bad singers break into song because they can’t find the key.
Confucius Say: The wise speak when they have something to say, the fools speak when they have to say something.
Confucius Say:If you worry about yesterday’s failures, todays successes will be few.
Confucius Say:A Rubix cube is like a penis. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
Confucius Say:The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.
Confucius Say:He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.
Confucius Say:A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying “Hold my purse.”
Confucius Say:: An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me.
Confucius Say:: Man who crap on weighbridge relieve himself of weighty problem.

Rabbi Joshua and his sidekick Abe were trying to work out why everybody would want to climb to the top of a steep hill to pray in a Catholic church instead of coming to their ground level Synagogue.

So Joshua tells Abe to investigate so they might be able to improve their act, so to speak, to get a better attendance.

After the next Catholic service, Abe comes back and says “We don’t stand a chance, there’s this fella dressed in white stands at the front of the crowd and sings ‘I can play dominoes better that you can’, and they pass a plate around so they can all bet on it.”