Chapter 815

These are compliments of J & B

Divorce Proceeding

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”*

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”*

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”*

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one ‘cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”*

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music -- all that hip hop and rap tap -- but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”*

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?*

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”*

Love those Canadian East-coast-ers!!!

President Donald Trump was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. “Hallo, President Trump” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland. Canada, eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!”

“Well Archie,” Donald replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moment’s calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Donald paused. “I must tell you Archie, that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?”, Donald asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, 3 fishing boats, 2 harpoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry’s farm tractor.”

President Trump sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have

6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lard T’underin’ Jaysus, bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!”

Donald was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,” said Archie, “I’ll have ta call youse back.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Trump!

I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘ere war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Donald. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!