Chapter 811

These are compliments of smokeyjoe

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU’VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU’LL EVER BE,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Your Kids are becoming you ... but your grandchildren are Perfect!

Going Out is good ... Coming Home is better!

You Forget names ... But it’s OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything ... Especially bowls OR Golf

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.

You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It’s Called “pre-sleep”.

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” Switch...

You tend to use more 4 letter words... “what?”...”when?”... ???

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.

You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody Whispers.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet... 2 of which you will never wear.

But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Stay well, “OLD FRIEND!” Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter
That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, “Well, bugger me, someone’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife.”

Mongrel says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, “Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?”

“Coot’s wife gave it to me,” Mongrel replies.

“That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?”

“Well, not exactly”, Mongrel says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘you must be Coot’s widow.’”

She said, “You must be mistaken. I’m not a widow.”

Then I said, “I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.”

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...

“Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?” Asked the wife.

“No,” I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

“Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled up?” she asked.

“No,” I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” I said, intrigued.

“Well, go and take a quick look in the garage.”

German Farmer

A German farmer walking through his field notices a man kneeling down and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.

The German farmer shouts,

“Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin geshissen.”

(Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows shit in it.”)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, “I am a Muslim, I don’t understand you ... I speak Arabic and English. If you can’t speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.”

The German farmer replies in English, “Use two hands, you’ll get more water.”