Chapter 809

This one is compliments of John C.

Lawrence Austin [Doctor of Biological Science, RMIT] was call as an expert witness in a case by the Victorian Environmental Trust Committee against a large manufacturing firm that had been a little lax in their waste disposal practices.

Lawyer: “Doctor Austin, could you please tell the court what your investigations have uncovered...”

Dr Austin: “Certainly, I discovered the effluent from the aforementioned industrial site contained 50,000 organisms per litre of discharge, when the World Health Organisation rates the maximum safe level (for natural disposal) is two hundred and fifty organisms per litre.”

Judge: “Excuse me, Dr. Austin, but what would I have if I got 50,000 orgasms?”

Dr Austin: “Wobbly knees, your Honour!”

After order was restored to the court:

Judge: “I think I’m going to have to hold you in contempt, Dr Austin!”

This one is compliments of Carl M.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Civil Servant.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat.

“T-square, do your stuff,” he said

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of three. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Civil Servant and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Civil Servant called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet. He ate all the cookies, drank the milk, and crapped on the paper. The he screwed the other three cats ... Claimed he injured his back while doing it ... Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

Put in for compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

And that’s why everybody wants to be a Civil Servant!

This one is compliments of Dorsetmike

Jack, this one’s very subtle, sounds almost true until the last word

A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.