Chapter 799

Retirement

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

The biggest lie I tell myself is...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names

A Congressional Limerick

There once was a congressman named Weiner,
who had a perverted demeanor.
He was forced from the hill,
for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner
And The Moral Is: You tweet your meat,
you lose your seat.