Chapter 796

Compliments of smokeyjoe

Duh! Just what are you trying to say?

1)For sale, One Parachute, used once, never opened.

2)Get 50% off or half price, whichever is less.

3)One armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

4)Student excited, Dad got a head job.

5)Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25.

6)Tiger Woods plays with his own balls, Nike Says.

7) Army Vehicle disappears. An Australian Army vehicle, worth $74,000, has gone missing after being painted with camouflage and driven into the bush.

8) It was reported that a police car responded to reports of a vehicle stopping at every property in a street, it was the postman.

9) Fish need water to survive, it was reported today.

10) County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.

11) Police raid gun shop, find weapons.

12) Lady jacks off to hot start in conference.

13)Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs.

14) Girls school still offering ‘Something Special’ - Head.

15)Diana was still alive hours before she died.

16) Homicide victims rarely talk to police.

17) Red Tape holds up new bridge.

18) 17 remain dead in Morgue shooting spree.

19) Japanese scientists grow frog eyes and ears.

20) Planes forced to land at airports due to weather. (Well my back yards free :)).

This one is compliments of Schop

“You Can Be THE Master of Your House”

A Husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Master of Your House”.

Finding the courage that he never knew he had, he stormed in to the kitchen and announced to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of the house and my word is ‘Law.’ You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.

“After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry, and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby.

Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide to have your ass cremated.”