Chapter 794

These are compliments of J & B

I know a guy who’s addicted to break fluid. He says he can stop any time. Jokes about German sausage are the worst. I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. Why were Indians here first? They had reservations. Class trip to Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. I use to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. OK, one more. Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

INNER PEACE

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual...

Handle every Stressful Situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away.

If you don’t laugh at this one, you’re not breathing...

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck, ‘ the firefighter said with admiration. ‘Thanks, ‘ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. ‘Little partner, ‘ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’ The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

This one is compliments of Cmccmccmc

What do Mexicans say about the Trump wall?

“We’ll get over it”

This one is compliments of Dorsetmike

What’s the difference between a rich Scotsman, a poor Scotsman and a dead Scotsman?

I rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed

A poor Scotsman has a can o’ pee under his bed

A dead Scotsman canna pee at all!!!