Chapter 791

CANADIAN HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions...

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Canada’s third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being ‘different’. Tolerance urged.

Brampton schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa: Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that Japanese will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and workers in the scientific research fleet are unemployed.

Canadian Government has told the Japanese that Grey and Black Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Canada now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.

Professor Goldman of U of T says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people ‘saying what they think’.

Canada’s deficit $20 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.

No other country has volunteered to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2052.

Canada Post raises price of stamps to $28 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year $175.8 billion study, commissioned by the Liberal Party, scientists prove diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Canadian male drops to 252 lbs.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human Rights.

Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New Canadian Liberal government law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2055 as lethal weapons.

Revenue Canada sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Toronto Maple Leafs won this year’s Ontario Senior A cup final beating the Brampton Hindu Hornets 4-1.

These are compliments of Allan B.

The Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”