Chapter 79

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

Compliments of Larry

One hot summer day, Bruce came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.

Some 20 minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside... ?"

Bruce called out, "It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the cop said.

Bruce replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The cop said, "No... ! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Bruce. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You idiot, you don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex... !"

Bruce looked at the cop, then at his dog, and said, "Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog..."

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here, we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The prudish son, unimpressed, said, "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

I said to my wife, "Describe me in two words." She replied, "Big prick." Damn, that woman worships me.

I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of "50 Shades of Grey," but I could tell it was going to be a good film ... the place was buzzing.

Our local Muslim optician has passed away ... Asif Eyecare.