Chapter 785

A Wee Scottish Joke

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out around the world. Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who this time was more than happy to donate his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He then phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be more generous than that -last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.

This one is compliments of Brad

Some people are so fucking thick!!! Just at the Exxon station and two police officers are sat staring at a woman who was pumping petrol and smoking at the same time. Like really, wtf! I’m thinking they are gonna nick her in a minute!! Fucking idiot and the cops are just sat there. I go into the shop and just as I was about to leave, I hear someone screaming “look outside” the woman’s arm was on fire!!! She was running around like a nutter waving her arm around and just going nuts.

Everyone runs out. One cop is trying to pat her out and the other one sprayed her with an extinguisher. Then proceed to nick her!!! Handcuffs the lot! I couldn’t help myself and asked them why they were jailing her after just burning her arm!! wasn’t catching her arm on fire punishment enough? I swear to god the cop looked me dead in the eye and said,

“For waving a Firearm”.

These are compliments of Gary H.

THE HOTEL BILL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. “But we didn’t use them,” the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows, “complains the man again. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir, “he says, this check is only made out for $50.” “That’s correct,” says the man. “I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.” “But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager. “Well, too bad,” the man replies. “She was here and you could have.”

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend, then?” he continues. “No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, Hoping to be reassured. “No, no, no!!!” she answers. “Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands. “That’s me before the surgery.”