Chapter 78

The Masters

A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else? ... a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...

... "No. They're all at the funeral."--

A Cape Bretoner walked into a crowded local bar, waving his Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip and yelled,

"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A Newfie from the back of the bar yelled back,

"You're gonna need more ammo!"

WHILE ON A ROAD TRIP, AN ELDERLY COUPLE, STOPPED AT A PIZZA HUT FOR LUNCH.

AFTER FINISHING THEIR MEAL, THEY LEFT THE RESTAURANT, AND RESUMED THEIR TRIP TO PHOENIX.

WHEN LEAVING, THE ELDERLY WOMAN UNKNOWINGLY LEFT HER GLASSES ON THE TABLE, AND SHE DIDN'T MISS THEM UNTIL THEY HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ABOUT FORTY MINUTES.

BY THEN, TO ADD TO THE AGGRAVATION, THEY HAD TO TRAVEL QUITE A DISTANCE BEFORE THEY COULD FIND A PLACE TO TURN AROUND, IN ORDER TO RETURN TO THE RESTAURANT TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES.

ALL THE WAY BACK, THE ELDERLY HUSBAND BECAME THE CLASSIC GROUCHY OLD MAN. HE FUSSED AND COMPLAINED, AND SCOLDED HIS WIFE RELENTLESSLY DURING THE ENTIRE RETURN DRIVE. THE MORE HE CHIDED HER, THE MORE AGITATED HE BECAME. HE JUST WOULDN'T LET UP FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.

TO HER RELIEF, THEY FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE RESTAURANT. AS THE WOMAN GOT OUT OF THE CAR, AND HURRIED INSIDE TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES, THE OLD GEEZER YELLED TO HER "WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET MY HAT AND THE CREDIT CARD."

THIS COMING WEEK IS NATIONAL SENIOR MENTAL HEALTH WEEK. YOU CAN DO YOUR PART BY REMEMBERING TO CONTACT AT LEAST ONE UNSTABLE SENIOR TO SHOW YOU CARE.

I HAVE NOW DONE MY PART

Hockey Fans all over the world will understand this Joke.

Dear Abby

I am a crack dealer in Orillia, Ontario who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby schools.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Barrie prostitute who lives near Bass Lake and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel there.

My parents live in a suburb of North Bay, and one of my sisters, who lives in

Rama, is married to an aboriginal transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana in Owen Sound, and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Coldwater.

I also have two brothers.

One is currently serving a life sentence in Drumheller for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.

The other brother is in jail on charges of sexual misconduct with his children in Orangeville.

All things considered, my main problem is this:

I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family.

I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

My question is, should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Leafs fan?

This one is compliments of mousepotato

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.

''Trust me, ' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

(you'll love this.)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky,

Louisiana, Arkansas,

Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West

Virginia,

Western Maryland and All of Washington DC...

Most of the Maritimes. parts of Quebec, Ontario and Manitoba.