Chapter 777

Medical misunderstandings

1. A man comes into the ER and yells... ‘

My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall...

‘Big breaths, ‘ ... I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be, ‘ ... Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

Reporting to the rest of the family that he had

Died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’

After a look of complete confusion she answered...

‘ Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

5. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams ... To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing

And further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...

‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard...

‘ No doctor but the song you were whistling was...

‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’

Dr. Wouldn’t submit his name...

1 MORE:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied...

‘Well, strip down to your waist, ‘ the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

I know, ‘ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,

But I’m glad I came”.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Fred replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”