Chapter 774

This one is compliments of Pepere

An old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?” “Are you nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?” he asks again. “Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - $10,000?!” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmmmm, $10,000. Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, ‘Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?’

“Nah,” says the little old Jewish man... “Costs too much!”

These are compliments of J & B.

Paraprosdokian

is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected - and oft times humorous:

1. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. I’m great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
6. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
7. Take my advice - I’m not using it.
8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
9. Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
10. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
11. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
12. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
14. Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
15. Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
16. I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
17. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
18. I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
19. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
20. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
21. If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
22. Money is the root of all wealth.
23. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.