Chapter 772

The Tale of the Two Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

This one is compliments of Rick M.

Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument:

10- Don’t you have some laundry to do or something?
9- Aww, you are so cute when you get all ticked off.
8- You’re just upset because your a****is beginning to spread.
7- Wait a minute -- I get it. What time of the month is it?
6- You’re sure you don’t want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
5- Sorry, I was just picturing you nekked.
4- Whoa, time out. Football is on.
3- Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
2- Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
1- Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain’t loaded.

Food For Thought

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”

This one is compliments of Ugeeay

If you are from the deep south (USA) you can relate!

Three women were sitting in a beauty parlor. The first women turned to the others and said “I’m so excited! This is my fifth wedding anniversary. My husband gave me a dozen roses this morning, a beautiful diamond bracelet and he is taking me to an elegant restaurant tonight”

The second women said “how wonderful.”

The third smiled and said “how nice for you!”

The second woman said “on my fifth anniversary my husband took me on a two week trip to Europe. We dined in Paris, stayed in the best hotel in Rome. It was lovely.”

The first woman said “ How romantic!”

The third woman said “how nice for you!”

The first two women turned to the third and asked her what her husband gave her for her anniversary?

She replied that her husband had enrolled her in Miss Abigail’s Charm School.

Why whatever could you have learned in charm school they asked.

She smiled and said “ Miss Abigail taught me to say “how nice for you rather than who gives a shit”.

This one is compliments of John A.

Graham, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’ The prostitute replies, ‘Well Graham, ya old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’