Chapter 762

Setting Up Shop

After the stinging defeat in the presidential election, Hillary and Bill Clinton took some time off to recuperate, lick their wounds, as it were, and to decide what they were going to do next.

For starters, they had bought a building in Hollywood with plans to sell all of their books there, do signings, and meet and greet with all of the celebrities who backed them over the years.

The shop wasn’t quite ready yet, with only a few shelves set up and no signs or banners to speak of. They had just sat down for a break when Hillary said to Bill, “I bet any minute now some old Republican is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

“Well,” replied Bill, “you know these senior Republicans are the nosiest bunch around!”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

Hillary, still reeling from the presidential loss, replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes!”

Without skipping a beat, the old dear added, “Then you must be doing well for you only have two left.”

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.” They were seated immediately.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,

“When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Al said, “ I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord.

“God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down.

Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.