Chapter 761

These are compliments of Allan

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in RETIREMENT...

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write, “For Sexual Favors”

3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

5. Sing along at The Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

8. Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go... ‘

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles. If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, It you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the family dog.

White bears who have sex with males and females are bi-polar.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen, I ain’t horny. I’m homesick.”

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he’s had.

He started counting, and fell asleep...