Chapter 758

This group is compliments of Avon ... W.

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn’t complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, “It looks like you blew a seal.” Blushing, the penguin said, “Oh no! It’s just ice cream.”

Blowing Chunks A guy walks into a bar and orders a soda. The bartender says “Whaddaya some kind of pussy?” The guy replies, “You don’t understand, last night I had 15 martinis, went home and blew chunks, and I’m kind of embarrassed.” The bartenders says to him, “So what, I drink every night, puke every morning --nothing to be ashamed of.”

The guy says, “You don’t understand, Chunks is my dog!”

P.S. there is, of course nothing to be ashamed of, drunk or sober, as long as no one gets hurt

The Bear and the

A man decided to go hunting for the first time. He went to a gun shop, bought a large, expensive rifle and headed into the deep woods. After hours of fruitless searching, the would-be hunter spotted a massive, black bear sitting in the entrance to a small cave. As quietly as possible, he stalked up to the mouth of the cave and began firing repeatedly into the darkness. Eventually, the hunter used up his stock of ammunition, and cautiously entered, the cave to see the fruits of his effort. However, there was no sign of the bear. Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around to see the bear towering over him.

“Now, the way I see it there are two possible courses of action here,” smirked the bear, “One, I tear you into small pieces and eat you ... or two, you get down on your knees and blow me.” Reluctantly, the hunter chose the latter option. Spluttering, he drove back to town and burst into the gun shop. “I want a bigger gun!” he demanded. So saying, he returned to the cave carrying a spanking new AK-47 and began releasing volley after volley into the cave entrance. Eventually, the smoke cleared and he tentatively gazed inside. No sign of the bear. TAP, TAP, TAP... “You know the routine.” said the bear smugly, pointing to his crotch. “GRENADES!” bellowed the hunter, bursting into the gun shop, “I WANT GRENADES!!” Armed to the teeth, the furious hunter returned to the cave, and began wildly lobbing grenade after grenade inside. The massive explosions left the cave a smoking pile of rubble. The hunter began sifting through the debris. No sign of the bear. TAP, TAP, TAP ... Grinning smugly the bear put his arm around the man and said, “You’re not in this for the hunting, are you?”

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?” Most of the hands go up. “And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?” About half the hands stay up. “OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?” Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd. “Gosh, that’s pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?” One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. “Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had sexual contact with a ghost?”

The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you said ‘goat’.”

Mypenis

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was Mypenis: