Chapter 727

This one is compliments of J and B

The Classmate

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well ... You’ll love this one.

My name is alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.

“Yes. Yes, I did ... I’m a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1975. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled faced,

fat-assed,

gray-haired,

decrepit

son-of-a-bitch

asked me,

“What did you teach???”

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet store looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The store owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas songs.

This seemed like the perfect gift.

“How do I get him to sing?” the young man asked, excitedly.

“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet” was the store owner’s reply. The store owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing

“Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!...”

The store owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot.

Then Chet’s voice filled the air with “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas...”

The young man was so impressed that he purchased a cage and all the necessities and paid the store owner before running home as quickly as he could with Chet.

On Christmas Morning, when his wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

“How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?”

“No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.”

So the young man lighted a match and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the store owner had shown him, and Chet crooned

“Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!...”

The young man then moved the match to Chet’s right foot, and the parrot crooned “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas”...

His wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the match between his legs?” The man did not know.

“Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life...

“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire!...”