Chapter 715

Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?” He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do ... it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.” He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself,” the blonde replies. “The rope should be around your neck” says the guard. “I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blonde man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?” The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: “Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday!

LEXOPHILIA- WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

“The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.”

“I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.” Thomas Jefferson