Chapter 714

HOT AND COLD SEX

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”

Later, after examining the man’s elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.

This One Is Compliments of Dave D

A lady doctor was almost done for the day when her last patient came in looking like he was in pain. “What can I do for you?” she asked with a smile, “Well it’s a bit embarrassing, you’ll probably laugh.”

“I can assure you that I would not laugh under any circumstances, I am a highly trained professional and I think I can honestly say I have seen everything”

“Well it’s my penis”

“All right sir please take your pants and shorts off, let me have a look”

He dropped them and stood there holding a cock that was roughly the same size as an AAA battery! Remembering what she’d said earlier, she swallowed a giggle and said.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Can’t you see, it’s swollen?”

The doctor ran out of the room!

We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I was so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know, kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said: “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.