Chapter 710

Sweet Thoughts

Guy was sitting by his girl and nonchalantly said, “Boy I sure wish I had a little pussy.”

The girl looked at him and replied, “So do I, mine’s as big as a damn house!”

My Grandmother recently passed away due to pneumonia.

Naturally, my cousins and I were Paul bears at her funeral. The funeral home was up a hill with a busy road leading down into the valley.

As we are carrying her casket out to the hearst, it slipped out of our hands and began to tumble downhill. We started to chase after it, but it was moving too fast to stop it.

On the way down the hill I ran into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist: “Do you have something to stop this coffin?”

A bit of British Humor...

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - “Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”

“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”

“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

Went out last night and got really wasted.

I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring.

So, at least I got home OK.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.

“German,” she replies.

“Occupation?”

“No, just here for a few days.”

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from inside

screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I’ll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said “Darling, you’re shaking, what is it?”

“You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen!” I said, “That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel.”

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: “Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit”

The man being interviewed asks, “Why the rabbit?”

“Excellent” says the Sergeant. “When can you start?”