Chapter 691

This compliments of Bill L

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”.

London Lawyer says,

“What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says,

“Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”

These are compliments of Chris

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ‘Lord, they’re finally together.’

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ‘Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? ‘ The friend replied, ‘ I think he means her legs.”

There was this man who went to the hospital every Monday morning, and every Monday he would see the same Blond woman on the elevator. One Monday he decided to strike up a conversation with the young blond and asks “So why are you here every Monday?” to which she replies “I go to the third floor to give blood. They pay me $10.00, What about you?”

He says “I go to the fifth floor to donate sperm, they pay me $100.00”

The next Monday they both get on the elevator and he asks “third floor? “and she shakes her head no keeping her lips tightly closed and presses the #5 button.

A drunken farmer comes home late one night holding a sheep under his arm. He walks into the bedroom and says “This is the pig I’ve been f@#king!”

His wife says “You idiot! That’s not a pig, that’s a sheep!”

The farmer says “Will you shut the f@#k up! I was talking to the sheep!”

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

“Who drives you to the beach?”

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The American woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No, ‘ so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’ The man said, ‘No, ‘ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, ‘Have you ever been f*cked?’ The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘No.’

She said, ‘You will be when the tide comes in.’

I was out hiking the other day with a farmer friend of mine and as we went through the back paddock My friend said ‘I really like this place, it’s where I had sex the first time.’

‘Wow right out here in the open, what was that like?’ I asked.

‘Well’ he answered ‘it was pretty good till her mom caught us.’ ‘OMG!’ I exclaimed. ‘Her mom caught you!? What did she say?’ ‘BAAAA!’