Chapter 673

These two items are compliments of kderpk

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asked Abe, “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?”

Abe replied, “I don’t know. let’s ask our waiter. When the waiter arrived, Abe asked, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

The waiter said, “I don’t know senor. I’ll ask the cooks.”

He returned from the kitchen after a few minutes and said, “No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”

Abe wasn’t satisfied and asked, “Are you absolutely sure?” The waiter, realizing he was dealing with “Gringos” replied: “I check once again senor,” and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, “I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

The waiter returned and said, “Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews.”

“Are you certain?” Abe asked again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”

“Senor, I asked EVERYONE,” replied the exasperated waiter.

“All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”