Chapter 661

This is compliments of Reltney McFee

So this friend of mine told me about one time he was deer hunting. He was stalking through the woods, and, BOOM! He came upon a bear. Not knowing what to do, he raised his rifle and fired. Once he raised his rifle for a second shot, there was no bear to be seen.

He turned around, seeing nothing, and kept looking around. Abruptly, there was a tap on his shoulder: he turned to find the bear.

Hey, man. You know, you shot me, right? And, I gotta tell you, it really, really hurts. Hey, look here! I’m bleeding! Man, I’m bleeding!

The guy, he doesn’t know what to do. He stammers out, God, I’m sorry! I, I was hunting deer, and, and, suddenly, like, POW!, there you are! I, I didn’t know what else to do. Man, I am so, so sorry!

The bear appeared to think about for a minute. He said, Lookit, man: you really hurt me. YOU hurt me bad. If you expect me to just forgive and forget, you’ll have to make me feel better.

What are you thinking?

Well, I like blowjobs. How about a blowjob?

The guy thinks about it for a moment. He thinks, ‘Well, I could give this bear a blowjob, but that’s disgusting. Or, he could tear me apart, and I’d die slowly and in terrible anguish. Ya know, giving this bear a blowjob starts to look not so bad’. He turns to the bear, and says, How about the blowjob?

So, he blows the bear, and they part ways. On the way back to his truck, the guy starts to think. That fucking bear, gawdammit, made me, MADE ME blow him! That’s awful! I feel so degraded, so demeaned. That fucking bear! I know what I’ll do! I’ll fucking kill him! That’s what I’ll do! I’ll kill him!’

So, he gets back to his truck, he puts his deer rifle back into the truck, and he pulls out a .338 Lapua, a freaking monster of a gun. Chambering a round, he sets out again, this time hunting for the bear. He stalks through the woods, stepping stealthily, looking all around. Finally, he steps around a bush, and Bingo! There’s the bear! He raises his rifle, settles the sights upon the bear, and touches the trigger.

The boom is deafening. Leaves fall from the trees, dust gets raised up, he is physically knocked back a step or two. By the time he levels his rifle for a second shot, there’s no bear to be seen. He lowers the rifle, and looks over the sights, thinking that the bear fell dead right there. Nope, no bear. There’s another tap on his shoulder, and, again, the bear.

Again, with the gun! Ya know, you could have really hurt me, and so soon after actually hurting me. I just don’t know. I just don’t know. What should I do with you?”

The guy again considered his options. Riped limb from limb by a bear, or blowjob.

Again, he gave the bear a blowjob, again they part ways, again he makes his way back to the truck. Again, on the way back, he gets indignant. ‘Again with that fucking bear! Again, he victimizes me, again he demeans me, again he degrades me! I’ve got to kill him, dead, deader than dead! He cannot do that to me! I’ll fucking kill him!’

Reaching the truck, he stowed the Lapua, and pulled out a antitank weapon. ‘This will kill him! This is just the ticket!’ he thinks.

He tiptoes back toward the location of their last meeting. Eyes open, head up, ears pricked up, the guy is dialed in, in tune with his surroundings, he is the Apex Predator in this patch of woods!

He creeps upon the spot where he last fired, peers around a big tree. Aha! There he is! That Bear was gonna be toast! He disengaged the safety, settled the sights on the Bear’s chest, squeezed the trigger.

The rocket powering the warhead lit off, and the projectile streaked across the glen. There was a tremendous explosion, small trees fell, dust was raised, leaves danced in the backwash of the rocket. Once the guy started to be able to hear again, he peered out from around his tree, looking for the bear. Nothing! NOTHING!

He stepped around the tree, uncomprehending. Nothing could have survived that explosion! That goddam bear had to be in pieces, all over the place! Yet, nothing! No bear flesh, no shattered bear bits, nothing!

He stood there, looking around, trying to determine what he should do next, and there was a tap on his shoulder. The bear, looking irritated, was right there, right behind him. With a gesture, the bear indicated his nads, and the guy again began to blow the bear.

Several seconds passed, when the bear tapped the hunter upon the head, and asked him, So, tell me the truth: you’re not really here for the hunting, are you?