Chapter 652

Will Rogers once said
“There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”

Another RabbiRabbit special:

I was almost a Doctor

When I was young in 1970’s, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered ‘spine’ are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

A tid bit from Gary

A Definition

Definition of a virgin: an ugly 13 year old.

This one is from john a

A little boy in Newfoundland, wanted $100.00 for something very special. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Limericks

There was a young sailor from brighton
Who remarked to his girl, ‘you’re a tight one.’
She replied, ‘upon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole;
There’s plenty of room in the right one.’

A lady while dining at crewe
Found an elephat’s whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, ‘don’t shout,
And don’t wave it about,
Or the others will all want one, too.’

There was a young lady of dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
‘Oh dear, what a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over.’

There was a young plumber of leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
She said, ‘stop your plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!’
Said the plumber, still plumbing, ‘it’s me.’

There was a young man from purdue
Who was only just learning to screw
But he hadn’t the knack
And he’d got too far back:
In the right church but in the wrong pew.

The king named oedipus rex
Who started this fuss about sex
Put the world to great pains
By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother’s pubex.

Said a lecherous fello named shea,
When his prick wouldn’t rise for a lay,
‘You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn’t built in a day.’

There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And my, how his practice has grown!

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame-
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

There was a young lady from twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in ‘em.
On her knees every day
To god she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken ‘em.

In the garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls-and he had ‘em.

A fellow whose surname was hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
Like a glove and be used as a cunt.

There was a young soldier from munich
Whose penis hung down past his tunic’
And their chops girls would lick
When they thought of his prick,
But alas, he was only a eunich.

There was a young lady of natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
And she often said, ‘shit!
Why, i’d give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches.

There was a young lady from spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck her
Again, and again, and again.

A young man aroused his girl’s anger
When he tried to inject his huge whanger.
As they strove in the dark
She was heard to remark,
‘What you need is a zeppelin hanger.’

There was a young idler named blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the biblical flood.

There was a young woman in dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

There was a young fello of kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a young man of kildaire
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

There was a young girl from new york
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade, it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
Till along came a man who presented
A tool that was strangely indented.
With a dizzying twirl
He punctured that girl,
And thus was the corkscrew invented.

There was a young lady of norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
She said to her beau,
‘Look at me, joe,
I think i’ve discovered one more way.’

There once was a lady from arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
He said, ‘my dear flo,
Where does all that stuff go?’
And she said, ‘(swallow hard)-i beg pardon?’

There was an old man of decatur,
Took out his red-hot pertater.
He tried at her dent
But when his thing bent,
He got down on his knees and he ate ‘er.

There once was a man from nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
‘If my ear were a cunt i could fuck it.’

There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors’ meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap,
She unbuttoned their flap,
And always had plenty to eat.

There was a young fellow named dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, ‘i admit
I’m a bit of a shit,
But think of the money i save!’

An earnest young woman in thrace
Said, ‘darling, that’s not the right place!’
So he gave her a thwack,
And did on her back
What he couldn’t have done face to face.

There was a young lady who said,
As her bridegroom got into the bed,
‘‘ M tired of this stunt
That they do with one’s cunt,
You can get up my bottom instead.’

There was an old abbess quite shocked
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
Said the abbess, ‘you nuns
Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you’re cocked.’

There was a young girl from decatur
Who was fucked by an old alligator.
No one ever knew
How she relished that screw,
For after he fucked her, he ate her.

There was a young miss from cape cod
Who at soldiers would not even nod.
But she tripped in a ditch
And some son-of-a-bitch
Of a corporal raped her, by god!

There was a young fellow named gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed,
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.

There was a young girl from cheshire
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire.
She said, ‘it’s a sin,
But now that it’s in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?’

There was a young lady named flo
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
Till he got it just right...
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.

There was a young lady in reno
Who lost all her dough playing keeno.
But she lay on her back
And opened her crack
And now she owns the casino.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter
Jack wanted layed
Jill said OK
Now she has two fifty

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who pasted her tits to the ceiling
But the glue wouldn’t hold
So she fell very bold
And now I hear they are healing!

There once was a man from Kass
Whose balls were made out of brass
In time of foul weather
He’d rub them together
And lightning would shoot out his ass

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who now have to walk belly-to-belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of vaginal jelly!

There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamt he was on Venus
Rubbing his penis
And he woke with a hand full of goo!

There once was a man from Boston
Who drove a little red Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost ‘em!

There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex
It would fit either sex,
With attachments for those in between.

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,
“Can it be that my eyesight’s defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?”

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Is his phone number - give him a call.

There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

There was an old Count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.

There was a young fellow named Bart
Who strained every shit through a fart.
Each tip-tapered turd
Was the very last word
In this deft and most intricate art.

On a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
‘Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn’t a spare tit for Tat.

There was a young tar from the sea
Who screwed a baboon in a tree.
The results were most horrid -
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.

There was a young lady named White
Found herself in a terrible plight:
A mucker named Tucker
Had struck her, the fucker,
The bugger, the bastard, the shite!

There was a young fellow of Kent
Who had a peculiar bent.
He collected the turds
Of various birds,
And ate them for lunch during Lent.

There once was a harlot at Yale
With her price-list tattooed on her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had it embroidered in Braille.

There was an old lady of Cheadle
Who sat down in church on a needle.
The needle, though blunt,
Penetrated her cunt,
But was promptly removed by the beadle.

There was a young man from Sioux Falls
Renowned in vaudeville halls;
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his prick
And then slide off the stage on his balls!

Sobbed the wife of a worrisome veep,
“I’m so tired and worn I could weep.
It’s my husband’s demand
For a tit in each hand -
And the bastard walks ‘round in his sleep!”

An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
He lighted the hair
Of his lady’s affair
And laughed as she peed through the flames.

THE ACROBAT

There was a young fellow named Dick
Who perfected a wonderful trick:
He’d get an erection
And scorn all protection,
Then balance himself on his prick.

‘Twas a fearful and wonderful sight;
And the ladies all shrieked with delight;
But the men were less zealous,
For it made them all jealous,
And they said Dick had no copyright!

Then each of them tried it and failed,
While their wives looked on helpless and wailed
For each one would teeter
And fall on his peter,
Or manage to get all derailed.

So Dick was the toast of the town;
There was nothing too good for that clown,
And the wives all came flocking
To the acrobat’s cocking,
While the husbands deplored his renown.

And then came the best part of all:
That number would bring down the hall;
For his tour-de-force trick
Was to straddle his prick,
And wheel out of sight on one ball!

The ladies all ran to tease Dick
That the Frenchman had bettered his trick;
So he straddled and struggled,
And one ball he juggled,
But he knocked out his prop with a kick.

Now the tragedy didn’t end there;
For as Richard whirled down through the air,
His prick became tied
In a knot that defied
All attempts to untangle its snare.

Most men would have died of remorse,
But Dick found another resource:
For pretzels he’d pose
With a twisted-up hose,
And he made a nice income, of course.

A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant’s whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”

There was a young girl of Baroda
Who built an erotic pagoda;
The walls of its halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

There was a young blade of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed
His lady friend said,
“This isn’t a prick, it’s a wart.”

There was a young fellow of Buckingham,
Wrote a treatise on cunts and on fucking ‘em;
But later his work
Was eclipsed by a Turk
Wrote an opus on assholes and sucking ‘em.

I once knew a clever young bitch
Who owned a self-frigger the which
She would use with delight
Far into the night,
Twenty bucks - Abercrombie & Fitch.

There once was a young man from Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach;
So long was his tool
It was wound on a spool
In-ich, by in-ich, by in-ich!

“It’s no good,” said Lady Maud Hoare,
“I can’t concentrate anymore.
I’m all in a sweat
And the sheets are quite wet,
And look at the time - half past four!”

Said the mythical King of Algiers
To his harem assembled, “My dears,
You may think it odd of me
But I’m tired of sodomy;
Tonight there’ll be fucking!” (Loud cheers!)

There was a young farmer of Nant,
Whose conduct was gay and gallant;
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.

From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar, “Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?”

There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who used to take cocks without picking’ ‘em.
She’d kneel on the sod,
And pray to her God
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken ‘em.

Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus;
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And half of her asshole in Dallas.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that’s what I thought
‘Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.

There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend’s wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, “God strike me dead!
Now this ain’t a cunt - it’s a corridor!”

In Wall Street a girl named Irene
Made an offering somewhat obscene:
She stripped herself bare
And offered a share
To Merrill Lynch, Fenner and Beane.

THE BISHOP OF BIRMINGHAM

There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning ‘em:
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming ‘em.

The Bishop was nobody’s fool -
He’d been to a large public school;
He took down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn’t bother those two;
They said as the Bishop withdrew;
“Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you.”

I once knew a very queer lass
Who had a triangular ass.
Now it might sound absurd
But the shape of her turd
Was a stately pyramidal mass!

A thrifty old man named McEwen
Inquired, “Why bother with screwing?
It’s safer and cleaner
To finger your weiner,
And besides you can see what you’re doing.”

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained that so many men goosed her.
So over her caper
She laid some sandpaper
Now they goose her much less than they used ter.

A habit obscene and unsavory
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery.
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary.

There was a young fellow named Wyatt
Who kept a big girl on the quiet;
But down on the wharf
He maintained a dwarf,
In case he should go on a diet.

There was a young Turkish cadet -
And this is the damnedest one yet -
His tool was so long
And incredibly strong
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.

There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble
But so fragile, so slender
So dainty and tender
That he kept it encased in a thimble.

There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born;
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

There was a young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.

There once was a Bishop of Treet
Who decided to be indiscreet,
But after one round
To his horror he found
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat!

There was a young girl from France
Who jumped on a bus in a trance.
Six passengers fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver shot twice in his pants.

A nympho by name of Calpurnia
Grew hotter and hotter and burnier.
So she fucked and she fucked
And she fucked and she fucked
‘Til she fucked herself into a hernia.

A steward who worked on a clipper
Was quite a bit of a nipper;
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And circumcised the skipper.

There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
The one was so small
‘Twas nothing at all -
But the other - it won several prizes!

A pretty young harlot of Crete
Used to hawk her meat in the street.
Ambling out one fine day
In a most casual way,
She clapped up the whole British fleet.

There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice:
He had virgins and boys
And mechanical toys -
And on Mondays, he meddled with mice!

There was a smart miss had a hernia
Who said to her doctor, “Goldernia,
When improving my middle
Be sure you don’t fiddle
With matters that do not concernia.”

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, “O my love,
It fits like a glove.”
Said she, “But you’re not in the right ‘un.”

There was a young fellow of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric;
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, Doric.

There was a young man from Berlin
Whose tool was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his shaft,
“Well, THIS won’t be much of a sin.”

A flatulent Roman named Titus
Was taken with sudden colitis;
And the venerable Forum
Lost most of its quorum
As he farted up half of the situs.

There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
And buggered and sucked her -
But left her to pay for the room.