Chapter 643

These Are Compliments of Smokeyjoe.

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, “Your Honour, I’m guilty but there were extenuating circumstances.”

The female Judge said, sarcastically, “I’d certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances.” I did too s0000 I listened as the lady told her story.

“Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, “Hi! I’m Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?”

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”

Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?” Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, “Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag.” Then she headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout NO! She disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, ‘maintenance men Extraordinaire’ found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling, mashed between two glass plates!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how’s it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, “Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.” “OK, you take care now” Bubba (or Earl) replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.

Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am Sooo! Sorry, the power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...”

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said “Case Dismissed”.

Young 10 year old Frank went to his mother and asked “Mum, where did I come from?” Mother, with sweat beading her brow, wishing that her husband was home from work to explain the ‘Birds and Bees’ said, “Well I was out walking one day and found you under a Gooseberry bush and brought you home.” “Hmmm!” thought Frank. Then he went to his Grandmother and asked, “Grandma, where did Mum come from?” “Well, you I went to bed one night and prayed for a son and the Stork heard my prayer and flew down with you in his beak.” “Ah-ha!” mumbled Frank. He then found his Great Grandfather and asked, “Grandpops, where did Grandma come from?” “It was like this, my boy. I took your Great Grandmama into a field and found a Faerie Toadstool ring, sat her in the middle of it and made her wish for a baby and your Grandma came along.” The next day Frank went to school and wrote, ‘After extensive research, I can honestly say none of my family was born normally’.