Chapter 641

This Group Is Compliments of Mario...

When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the fucking thing!

Barry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the fucking Hell have you been”... ??? Barry replies “I was out getting a Tattoo”... ?? “A Tattoo”... ??? she frowned. “What kind of Tattoo did you get”.?? “I got a Tattoo of a Hundred Dollar Bill on my Knob” he said proudly. “What the Hell were you thinking”?.?? she said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on Earth would you get a Hundred Dollar Bill Tattooed on your Knob”... ??? “Well, 4 Reasons - One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and Blow a Hundred Bucks anytime you want.”

If you wish to visit.

Barry is in the Royal Brisbane Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: “I need a piss” an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary’s legs. He says “have you changed sex?” Mary says “no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!”

So Happy I’ve finally “Tied the Knot”...

I Just need to Kick the Chair she’s standing on and then I’m a Free Man... !

I was walking down the street and I saw these two blokes wearing matching outfits, right down to the same belts. I yelled out, “hey Dickheads, do you know you’re wearing the exact same clothes today?” It was at this point that they arrested me!:)

This one is compliments of Smokey Joe: Could be a repeat but worth a Sunday Smile How to give a cat a pill, or dog 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 1) Wrap it in bacon. 2) Throw in air 3) Relax