Chapter 634

This is compliments of Joe Smart

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ed.”

Ed was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.”

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ed the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”

“Never,” said Ed.

“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

“Ed, wake up! You shit in the bed!”

This one is compliments of GEORGE

Rastus and Liza were making love on railway tracks. The driver of an oncoming train sounded his horn and applied the brakes and the train stopped bare inches from the couple. When asked why they hadn’t moved, Rastus replied, “Well, the train was comin’, and Liza was comin’, and I was comin’ ... and the train was the only one with brakes.”

The following is complments of smokeyjoe

There may be some repeats, but it worth re-reading with your Sunday Morning Brew, coffee for me thanks!!!!

Allegedly, while taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie Taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now You’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got To, US Air 2771”

US Air 2771: Yes, ma’am”, the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown Pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

“Climb like your life depends on it. Because it does.”

“How far behind traffic are we?”

“Three miles.”

“That doesn’t look like three miles to us!”

“You’re a mile and a half from him, he’s a Mile and a half from you, that’s three Miles.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944; but I didn’t land and I left a fuckin’ mess.”

“Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?”

“By the time you land, sir, you will be number one.”

“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.”

“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted:

“American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, Make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

“Request Runway 27 Right.”

“Unable.”

“Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?”

“Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right.”

Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology. “You’re entering my dark area.”

Unknown pilot: “WHOOPEE!”

And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:

“What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela.”

Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.

Chorus of passengers “Hey, you forgot the beer!”

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: “We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks.”

Voice on frequency: “ACHTUNG SPITFEUR.”

Tower Controller: “BA356, proceed to stand 69.”

BA: “Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?”

Pilot: “DAMN! That was close”

IAD Tower: “Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?”

Pilot (catching his breath), “Near miss- was he ever close!”

IAD Tower: “Delta 560, how close was it?”

Pilot: “Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it.”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m fucking bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!”

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running a bit peaked.

Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”