Chapter 633

This one is compliments of John A.

Directions to Heaven Your smile for the day...

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday ... I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle. “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”

This Group Is Compliments of Mario Mario From the Land Down Under

He Said She Said He said...

I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don’t you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said ... I would but you’re never there.

He said ... Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said ... They don’t have time.

He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said ... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ... They already have boyfriends.

She said ... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said ... A widow.

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!”She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick! Bring me another beer! It’s gonna start!”This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quickly! Another beer! It’s gonna start any second!””That’s it!” She blows her top. “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”The husband sighed. “Oh shit. It’s started.”

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question. WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?” HUSBAND: “Definitely not!” WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?” HUSBAND: “Of course I do.” WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.” WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: “Would you live in our house?” HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.” WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?” WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?” HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.” WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?” HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.” WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?” HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.” WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: “Shit.”.

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, “The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?”.

Paddy replies, “I will on 3 conditions: 1st I’m not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd I’ll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.