Chapter 631

These are compliments of John A.

It’s all in your perspective.

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my house punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Edna: “No, no, no, I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

I still miss Bill Clinton, the U.S. President.

He was the closest thing they ever got to having a real black man as President of the U.S.

He played the sax.

He smoked weed.

He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... His wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Campbell Corporation announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with “Clinton Soup,” it consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line up to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter, and it will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don’t know, I never had one.”

The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and only what I think you need to know.”

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

This one is compliments of Joe S

Two Texas Aggies got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both ... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours.”

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Stan survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Stosh asked Stan, “Any idea where we are?”

Stan replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

This group is compliments of smokeyjoe

A priest and a young lad Joe managed to run into each other. Each was carrying a bottle of liquid.

“You must be carefull my son,” said the priest, “This is an extremely precious liquid.”

“Oh! Yer,” said Joe, “What yer got der den.”

“Well my son, this is a bottle of holy water, if I rub this on a woman’s tummy, she’ll pass a baby.”

“Oh! Wow, dats nuffin,” sneered Joe, “This is a bottle of acid, an ifn I puts it on a dogs ball it’ll pass a motorbike.”

An elderly couple, always arguing and trying to put each other down, were closing on their 60 anniversary. Because they argued all the time, they decided to have separate holidays.

He decided to spend a couple of weeks at Surfers Paradise whilst she decided to stay at the Crown Casino in Melbourne.

After a week, the wife phones him and asks how he’s getting on.

“Oh! Wonderful, I was only here a day when I met this sexy 20 year old, took her out for a meal, dancing, then back to my room where we had mad passionate sex, how about you, you old bag.”

“I’ve had a wonderful time too you dried up old prune, I met this 20 year old sexy male, he took me out for a bang up meal, dancing then back to my room for some really mad sexy screwing. And I’ll bet you that 20 went into 60 more times than 60 went into 20.”

Moses and Jesus were sitting on a cloud in heaven, just generally talking about when they where on Earth and some of the miracles they performed.

Jesus said, “I really liked the way you parted the Red Sea, I’d love to see you do that again.”

So Moses held up his staff, waved it over the sea and muttered a small prayer, Lo and behold the sea parted.

“The one you impressed me with was the walking on water, that was fantastic, can you do it again for me?”

So JC slipped off his sandals and stepped out on the water and went straight down.

“What happened?” Asked Moses.

“Darn,” said Jesus, “I didn’t have these holes in my feet then.”

Young city kid goes on a bus trip out to the country, when he got home his father asked what he saw.

“Well, we sawed sum funny looking animuls dat wus abart de size of our dog, but dey wus all covered wid white curly fur und de teecher called dem Sheeps. I liked dem, day wus nice.”

“Den we sawed sum funny little birds dat cuddent fly, Der teecher called dem Chickens, and dat were we get eggies frum. I liked dem to.”

And we sawed sum big animuls, dey wus all black, browns and white wid funny big wiggly fings under its bum, they’s called Cows and we got milk from dem, I liked dem to.”

Den we sawed some fuckers, dey wus like der Cows but smaller.”

“Hey up,” said his father, “What on earth are fuckers, I’ve never heard of them.”

“Well der teecher called em Effers, but we knew what she ment.”

Budget cuts:-

The AMA has weighed in on Parliament’s proposed changes Australia’s health services

The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt he was laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the Radiologists could see right through them.