Chapter 63

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

Number 9

- Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8

- Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

- Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart.

If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4

- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3

- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2

- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1

- Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

... and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

This one is compliments of Bob

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are... ?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

Third Question:

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another

1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10.

What is the total? Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually

4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2.

Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again...

These are compliments of rawwbot

A rabbi is annoyed that many of the faithful come without cap in the synagogue. So he writes to the front door : "Entering the synagogue bareheaded is a similar offense to adultery." The next day he found this written under his writing : " I've tried it both, there is no comparison."

While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.

The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.

The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."

The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."

The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."

The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts,

"Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error.

Not long enough."