Chapter 593

This is compliments of Charmbrights

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 76 and 77 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be a technician,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man, “how did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip with your talk.”

The man below responded, “You must be a congresswoman.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my bloody fault!”

Compliments of a shy reader...

A Man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My goodness!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,

“We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Old men can still think fast.

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, “I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know... ‘Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.’”

The second guy says, “I’m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ‘Double Income, No Kids Yet.’”

The third guy says, “I’m a R.U.B., you know... ‘Rich, Urban, Biker.’”

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ‘Double Income, Little Dog Owner.’”

They turn to the woman and ask her. “What are you?”

She replies: “I’m a WIFE, you know ... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc”

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well quick ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”