Chapter 579

This is Compliments of the Web_Magician

The complete SHIT HAPPENS - in various world Religions / Societies / Groups / Products / Companies.

Abstract Impressionism: Look at this shit I just took on the canvas!

Africanism: No more white shit.

Agnosticism 1: I don’t know shit!

Agnosticism 2: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

Agnosticism 3: What is this shit?

Agnosticism 4: You can’t prove any of this shit!

Agnosticism 5: Did someone shit?

Agnosticism 6: Shit may or may not be happening; we don’t know shit.

Agnosticism 7: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven’t tasted it, so I’m not sure whether its shit or not.

Agnosticism 8: How can we KNOW if shit happens?

Air Force 1: We fly above the shit.

Air Force 2: We drop shit on you.

Alcoholics Anonymous 1: Shit happens, one day at a time.

Alcoholics Anonymous 2: I am powerless to cut the shit.

Alcoholics Anonymous 3: We have a 12 step program on dealing with shit.

Altruism: Want some shit?

Amish 1: Shit is good for the soil.

Amish 2: This modern shit is worthless.

Amish 3: Shit dost occur, especially from the horses.

Anabaptist 1: It ‘s not so bad if shit happens, just clean up afterwards.

Anabaptist 2: Shit only happens to adults.

Anarchism 1: This shit is going to hit the fan.

Anarchism 2: We are allowed to shit when we want.

Anarchism 3: We are allowed to shit where we want.

Anarchism 4: We should be allowed to shit what we want.

Anglicanism 1: Shit doesn’t happen; defecation may occur on such occasions as are meet and right.

Anglicanism 2: It’s true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Animism: Some shit is happier than other shit.

Apathism 1: Who gives a shit?

Apathism 2: I don’t give a shit.

Aristotlism 1: Once shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape.

Aristotlism 2: Shit is real

Army-1: Be all that you can be ... in shit.

Army-2: We march through the shit.

Astrology 1: The answer to shit is written in the stars.

Astrology 2: Uranus transits.

Astrology 3: Jupiter is being really shitty to me today.

Atheism 1: What shit?

Atheism 2: Shit doesn’t happen. Shit is dead!

Atheism 3: I don’t believe this shit!

Atheism 4: It looks and smells like shit, so I’m damned if I’m going to taste it.

Atheism 5: I haven’t smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it’s shit.

Atheism 6: No Shit!

Attorneys: For enough money I can get you out of this shit!

Aztec 1: If shit happens, the Gods want to see more blood.

Aztec 2: Cut out this shit!

Baha’ism 1: We are the shit that happens. Why do you keep shitting on us?

Baha’ism 2: We are all shit together.

Baha’ism 3: All shit is truly shit. It’s all the same shit.

Baha’ism 4: Shit happens universally.

Baptists 1: You are shitting all wrong, and you’ll be punished for it.

Baptists 2: We’ll wash the shit right off you.

Baptists 3: Only total immersion in shit will suffice.

Baptist (fundamentalism) 1: Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn’t happen we will make it happen because that’s God’s will and we know it...

Baptist (fundamentalism) 2: Shit happens because the Bible says so.

Baptist (southern): Shit will happen. Praise the lord!

Behaviorism: Shit is conditioned to happen.

Born Again-ism: Shit Happens, but I am saved.

Buddhism 1: If shit happens, it is not really shit.

Buddhism 2: If shit happens, it isn’t really happening TO anyone.

Buddhism 3: Shit will happen again to you next time.

Buddhism 4: What is the sound of one shit happening?

Buddhism 5: Shit will happen to you again.

Buddhism 6: Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.

Calvinism 1: Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

Calvinism 2: Shit is predestined to happen.

Calvinism 3: If you’re not saved, tough shit.

Canine-ism: Shit happens in the neighbor’s yard.

Cannibalism: Don’t eat the shit.

Capitalism 1: That’s MY shit!

Capitalism 2: If you’re going to sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Capitalism 3: How much is that shit?

CargoCult: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

Catholicism 1: Our shit is the One True Shit and we can trace our shit back to Jesus.

Catholicism 2: If shit happens you deserve it. And Jesus died for your sins.

Catholicism 3: You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.

Catholicism (Old) 1: mauris contingit (literally: that which stinks happens)

Catholicism (Old) 2: excrementum contingit (plural: excreta)

(literally: excrement happens)

Catholicism (Charismatic): Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.

Charismatic: Shit happens. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Christianity (generic) 1: Only holy shit happens.

Christianity (generic) 2: Shit happens to sinners

Christianity (generic) 3: Catholics are full of shit.

Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can’t live without us!

Christian Fundamentalism: Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit.

Christian Science 1: Shit happening is all in your mind (You only think shit happens).

Christian Science 2: Shit doesn’t happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Christian Science 3: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor? Instead we must pray.

Christian Science 4: Our shit will take care of itself.

Christian Science 5: If shit happens, don’t worry. It will go away on its own.

Coke: It’s the real shit.

Commercialism 1: If shit happens, sell it.

Commercialism 2: Let’s package this shit and make a profit with it.

Communism 1: It’s everybody’s shit. Let’s share it.

Communism 2: Equal shit happens to all people.

Communism 3: Let’s spread the shit out equally among every one.

Communism 4: The Imperialists cause shit to happen, Comrade!

Confucianism 1: Confucius say “shit happens.”

Confucianism 2: If shit has to happen then let it happen properly.

Congregational-ism: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

Conservatism 1: Shit doesn’t happen like it used to.

Conservatism 2: Shit Happens, but not right now.

Conservatism 3: It’s shit, but it’ll get me elected.

Conservatism 4: Shit is bad for the economy.

Conspiracy Theory-ism: THEY shit on us!

Creation-ism 1: We have proof that God made all the shit.

Creation-ism 2: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Creation-ism 3: ... And the Lord said “Let there be shit” ... and there came piles of shit.

Creation-ism 4: After six days of this shit, He rested.

Constipation: My shit just won’t happen.

Cubism: If shit happens, you won’t recognize it.

Cynicism: But of course shit happens.

Darwinism 1: This shit was once food!

Darwinism 2: Survival of the shittiest.

Darwinism 3: We evolved from shit.

Deism 1: Shit happens everywhere

Deism 2: God does not make shit happen.

Democrat-ism 1: Shit should be provided by the government to all people equally? and for free.

Democrat-ism 2: How can we send a man to the moon and still have all this shit?

Democracy-ism: Everyone has the same opportunity to make shit happen.

Denialism: What shit?

Depressionism: Why can’t shit happen to me too!

Descartes: I shit, therefore I am.

Despotism: Let only one shit happen.

Determinism: Obviously, that shit was bound to happen to you.

Dianetics: (see Scientology below)

Discordianism 1: Some funny shit happened to me today.

Discordianism 2: This might be shit, or it might be a fuzzy pink 1965 Mustang.

Discordianism 3: Shit makes the flowers grow and that’s beautiful.

Dyslexianism: Hits shapnep.

Disney-ism: Bad shit doesn’t happen in the kingdom.

Divorcism 1: She’s full of shit!

Divorcism 2: He’s fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.

Divorcism 3: ... but Judge, you can’t give her all that shit!

Druidism 1: Shit happens around the Sacred Oak.

Druidism 2: Shit Happens. The trees say so.

Dyslexism: Tish penshap.

Eastern Orthodoxy : Rome doesn’t know shit.

Ecology: If organic shit happens, it ‘s OK.

Egalitarianism: Shit and no shit happen both.

Egotism: I am the shit!

Einsteinism 1: God does not play shit with the universe.

Einsteinism 2: Shit is Relative.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

Empiricism 1: Prove that shit!

Empiricism 2: Shit only happens if I see it happen.

Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and...

Environmentalism 1: Shit is biodegradable.

Environmentalism 2: Good shit only happens once; bad shit is recycled.

Environmentalism 3: Humanity happens.

Epicurism: Shit happens after a good meal.

Episcopalian-ism 1: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

Episcopalian-ism 2: If shit happens, hold a procession with bells and smells (incense).

Epicurian-ism: Shit happens, in moderation.

Epistemology: How do you know that shit?

Escapism: If shit happens, don’t look back.

Eschatology: You think shit happens now, you just wait.

EST-ism: If my shit bothers you, that’s your fault.

Evangelism: Shit Happens (Pass it on).

Evolutionism: The world is getting shittier all the time.

Existentialism 1: Shit doesn’t happen; shit IS.

Existentialism 2: What is shit anyway?

Existentialism 3: There is nothing except shit happening.

Existentialism 4: Shit happening is absurd.

Existentialism 5: I shit, therefore I sit.

Expressionism: Excrement comes and goes.

Family gathering: Relatives are shit.

Fascism 1: Shit won’t happen if we kill everybody that’s different.

Fascism 2: Shit makes the trains run on time.

Fatalism: Oh shit, it’s going to happen!

Feline-ism: Shit happens ... bury it.

Feminism 1: This shit happened before, and WE won’t clean it up!

Feminism 2: Shit isn’t funny.

Feminism 3: Why does shit only happen to women!?

Feminism 4: Put the seat back down, you little shit.

Feminism 5: Men are shit.

Fetishism 1: I love it when shit happens.

Fetishism 2: If shit happens, go for more.

Ford-ism 1: Our shit is Job One.

Ford-ism 2: Have you had a shit lately?

Fortean-ism: No shit??

Freudianism 1: Shit is a phallic symbol.

Freudianism 2: Shit that happens is like sex.

Freudianism 3: Shit happens as a result of repressed sexual urges.

Fundamentalism 1: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen, brothers and sisters!)

Fundamentalism 2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it’s okay.

Fundamentalism 3: Fundamentalism Shit happens from within.

Fundamentalism 4: Shit must be born again.

Fundamentalism 5: There’s no shit in the Bible.

Fundamentalism 6: If the scriptures do not say shit happens, it does not happen.

Fundamentalism 7: Shit happens because the Bible says so.

Futurism: More shit will happen sooner or later.

General Motors-ism: The shitbeat of America.

Geocentrism: Our shit is the center of the cosmos!

Gnosticism 1: Know shit.

Gnosticism 2: If public shit happens, it’s a secret.

Guruism: The master’s shit does not stink.

Hare Krishna-ism 1: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens, rama rama ding ding.

Hare Krishna-ism 2: Shit happens, Shit happens, happens, happens, shit, shit... (Repeat until you become one with shit)

Hare Krishna-ism 3: Please buy this flower and buy our shit.

Hasidic-ism: This shit has happened before (shit never happens the same way twice).

Heaven’s Gate: Oh, my God! Shit didn’t happen!

Head-in-the-sand-ism: If there is no shit, it doesn’t happen.

Hedonism 1: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

Hedonism 2: When shit happens, enjoy it!

Heisenberg-ism: Shit happened, we just don’t know where or how much.

Hindu-ism 1: This shit has happened before.

Hindu-ism 2: This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

Hindu-ism 3: This shit happening IS you.

Hippi-ism: Make happenings, not shit!

Hitchhiker-ism: The answer to all shit is 42.

Holism: When shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.

Hopi: Corn fertilizer happens.

Holistic: There’s more shit here than I figured on.

Idealism 1: I can deal with any shit.

Idealism 2: Be prepared that all shit will happen, eventually.

Idolism: Let’s bronze this shit.

Illuminiate-sm: We make shit happen.

Impressionism: From a distance this shit looks like a garden.

Individualism: Let’s make shit happen so at least we know who to blame.

Islam 1: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islam 2: We don’t take any shit.

Islam 3: If shit happens, kill the unbelievers. If shit doesn’t happen, then kill the unbelievers.

Islam 4: If shit happens, blame Israel.

Islam (Sunni): Shi’ite happens.

Islam (Shi’ite) 1: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!

Islam (Shi’ite) 2: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Islam, Nation of: We don’t take no shit!

Jainism: All shit happens to be alive.

Jehovah’s Witnesses 1: (Knock, knock) Shit happens door to door.

Jehovah’s Witnesses 2: (Knock, knock) The best shit happens in the Watchtower.

Jehovah’s Witnesses 3: (Knock, knock) Here, we insist you take our shit.

Jehovah’s Witnesses 4: (Knock, knock) Excuse me, may we have a moment of your time to show you our shit?

Jehovah’s Witnesses 5: (Knock, knock) Open the door and I’ll show you what shit is.

Jehovah’s Witnesses 6: (Knock, knock) There is only a limited amount of good shit.

Jehovah’s Witnesses 7: (Knock, knock) Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening. (No good shit happens until Armaggedon.)

Jehovah’s Witnesses 8: (Knock, knock) Want to buy a subscription to our shit?