Chapter 578

These items is compliments of Mario

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then...” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said: “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.

Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said: “Father, Psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized, “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”:)

Two women police dog handlers are on the beat, one says “I’m cold I left my knickers at the station.”

The other one says “let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he’ll fetch them.”

The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a sky scraper, the Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims “Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, i’m going to throw myself off this building!”

The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims “Aye, I’ve got fucking chicken mayo again, if I have this tomorrow i’ll throw myself off this building as well!”

The Irishman opens his lunch and says “I’ve got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, i’ll join you in jumping off this building!”

So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all proceed to jump off of the sky scraper. A few days later at the funerals of the three men, their wives stood weeping.

“If I would have known Pete didn’t want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up!” Said the English man’s wife.

The Scotsman’s wife nodded “Yes, If i knew Stephen didn’t want chicken mayo then I would have made something different.”

The Irishman’s wife was crying harder than all and simply said “I just don’t understand ... Paddy made his own fucking sandwiches”

The head of the Somali Olympic Team has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events

I’ve got my hands full with my new lesbian neighbours. Binoculars in one, cock in the other!

A man goes to a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a double whiskey.”

The guy takes his drink, slams it down, and says “Give me another.”

The bartender says “What’s the matter mate?”

The guy says “I just found out my youngest son is gay.”

Two days later the guy is back at the bar and orders a double, slams it down and asks for another.

The bartender asks again, “What’s the matter now?”

The guy says “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Two days later the guy is back, this time he asks for the bottle. The bartender asks, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone in your family like pussy?”

He exclaims, “YEAH, MY WIFE!” :)